How to Do It Right

For starters, this guy has the best title EVAH.

People Suck, Let's Bone - 26

If I had to ballpark it, I'd say I'm one of the top 100 humans to ever exist, specifically in terms of empathy, charm, wit, looks and sex moves. I'm 26 and I'm tired of all the bullshit. I can't remember the last time I met someone that kept my interest. Never been a fan of the bar conversation even though I am good at it. I'd go to poetry readings and galleries to meet women, but those women aren't any fun. Thought I'd give this a shot.

You: Like funny movies, know the names of obscure 80s television actors, know the lyrics to at least one Steely Dan song, are creative, enjoy laughter, can cook, have nice feet, are totally hot, like to do lots of different stuff, love the idea of a boyfriend who is awesome, enjoy romance, do not in any way enjoy the phrase "bottle service", have a great family, swear occasionally (especially while watching football and having sex), can't remember the last horror movie you went to or understand why anyone goes to them, have never had an eating disorder, are already understanding of yet combatitive (is that a word?) towards my preternatural gift for procrastination, have never cheated on someone, believe that having an awesome family is the best goal of life, love cuddling and ice cream, are super smart, are willing to accept that I honestly believe Remix to Ignition is one of the greatest songs ever created, knew the Iraq war was destined to be a quagmire the day it began, aren't sure if I'm insane or awesome.

Me: Awesome.

Besides you and me and our closest friends, everyone else really sucks. Let's bone and make babies and teach them not to suck

I LOVE POSTS LIKE THIS. Except for the mention of being 26, I'd think it was another strike of the german-lover.

Seriously, why do these dudes not have cool girlfriends? Will someone please snap him up?

Verdict: I think I'm in love.

Not Really A MISSED Connection...

This is kind of bratty, but I also kind of liked it. I'm not trying to be bike-centric, I promise.

I hit you on my bike this morning.... - m4w - 34 (Midtown East)

Given the posting title, i guess this isn't really a "missed"
connection. We connected quite solidly.
You: Blue dress, mid-twenties,
gorgeous, blonde, black shoes, enormous purse, risk taker. I can tell you're a
risk taker because you cross against the light with ur ipod going full tilt.
Thats why you didn't hear me yelling for you to watch out.

Anyway, I
hope you're still alright. I think you're beautiful.
I'm alright, and more
importantly, my bike is ok.
Same time and place monday morning?

Verdict: Wouldn't that be an ol' meet-cute? Even if this dude has the very faint touch of the douche in him.

Seriously?

Ok...

Ric Seeks Amanda Bynes. - m4w (Downtown)

I know this is kinda odd, but im looking for my future wife. Her name is Amanda Bynes. Hopefully she can date me and realize that i'm the right one for her. I heard she lives in NY or LA. So i wrote this to find her, if anyone knows her real phone number or email let me know.

xoxo for Amanda Bynes.

laters Ric. [I know its a longshot, but i'll try anyway.]

There is so much wrong with this, I kind of love it.

Number first, the little business card he attached with his personal info. The fact that some dude from Texas is MC-ing a celebrity he thinks might live in New York. The fucking El Paso city seal. What? Seriously. WHAT???

Is this a joke? Is this a joke posted by someone who is not the illustrious and industrious Ric? Is this 4 reals? Amanda Bynes IS super cute and everything. But somehow...I doubt the effectiveness of this method.

Verdict: My mind is being blown right now, people. Laters!

You Jokesters!

Saw you on Bedford on Saturday - m4w - 32

On the corner of 7th and Bedford (at the subway)

You: mid-twenties, jet black hair, red lipstick, wearing red cons, jeans, in your third trimester. You had with you a five year old, a three year old, a two year old, a six month old and a pug (I think). You had a half-smoken cigarette behind your ear and were reading Marcel Proust.

Me: Early thirties, brown hair, a bit of stubble, wearing a dress shirt. No tie. No pants. I'm pretty good looking (some say movie star looks) I was begging for change and/or food. Did you see me? I was the one who visibly hadn't bathed for weeks. People were going out of their way to avoid coming near me?

Write me back. I'd love to take you out for thai food or body shots. I have an extensive 8-track collection, and love listening to them with friends while eating a candlelit dinner, and while naked.

In front of the cell phone store on Manhattan ave. - m4w - 25

You were handing out fliers in front of the cell phone store Sunday afternoon. I was walking by carrying my shopping in one hand and my lunch in the other. I wasn't able to take one of your fliers! Was it for cell phone accessories? I really wanted to take one, but my hands were full! I'm in desperate need of cell phone accessories (chargers, cases, etc) and everywhere I've gone is too over-priced! Do you have any deals on cell phone accessories? Help me! Please!

Verdict: Normally I don't like these like, jokey slash inside joke slash thinly-veiled social commentary MCs*, but these made me larf. Maybe it's the change in the weather or something.

* I may or may not be lying in the interest of saving face. Then again, what the fuck do I care, I'm the one blogging about them.

The Creeps Come Out at Night

Ew!

Really Cute Intern - m4w (Financial District)

I catch you staring when I walk by. You're so adorable, but so young.
Damn.

Verdict: Creepy.

saturday night...weird situation/attraction - m4w - 30

This is entirely inappropriate but I think we were both attracted to each other...I know I was. If you write back, give me some detail so I know it's you...Or you can just come by for that shower I mentioned ;)

Verdict: Creepy. But kind of hot.

Dolphins on Klonopins

Something about this reminds me of my darling Tender Gittles. It involves dreams, pills and puppies. That's like basically her MO.

We loved each other like DOLPHINS on klonopins - m4w - 25

I had this weird dream about you where you had the head of a snake and you were wearing a shirt made out of live geese... and then my teeth started falling out like that scene in The Fly part II...

Remember that scene?

We watched it together... probably...

Maybe it was The English Patient...

Either way...

Then we were in the ocean, only the ocean was made from cute puppies in these little cardigan sweaters... and we were sailing on a boat made of love... I mean... in the dream like, when I stepped out into the third person, in the dream, the boat was made of wood... but in the context of the dream... it was all love baby... and I don't just mean love... I mean like, love, but when I say it, it sounds like it sis spelled with like, twelve 'o's

I don't actually know what that all means though I can only assume it was some sort of grand metaphor for my desperate need to get it on with you in a big way...

Where are you?

I miss you. I want to hold you tight baby.

You can't start a fire...

You can't start a fire without a spark

This guns for hire

Even if we're just dancing in the dark

Well yeah, this gun, as in me, as in my huge muscles, are definitely for hire.

Verdict: This seems to be directed towards someone, which if pulled off correctly is quite endearing. I have no idea what it means, but it seems romantic to me!

As a side note, the pic I used is actually a WEDDING CAKE TOPPER. How flipping awesome/tacky is that!?

EDIT- Miss Gittles asked me if the same guy posted this as posted the MC about the German girl. SO ASTUTE, they definitely have the same feel. We are trying to befriend him because he rules.

Stop Stalking Me

Both of these titles made me do a double-take. Because you know it's my DREAM to be MC'd.

Super sexy designer that I work with - m4w - Chelsea

You are so hot and I love it when you talk to me.

Verdict: Guys, don't fight over me.

In other news...

san loco around 1 a.m. 2nd ave. - m4w

you = blonde with a friend. eating rather messy.

me = short brown hair. facing you.

you were, and im sure still are, quite beautiful.

Verdict: What did I JUST SAY?

Simpler is Better

Maybe it's because I'm on the business end of a bender, but this made me laugh.

girl in mask at motherfucker - m4w - 22

It was a pleasure dancing with you, I was wearing pants and a shirt and I had hair.

Verdict: I love guys who have hair!

Milkshakes

Wasn't there. But OMG-

to each and every girl at the hold steady show last night - m4w - 29

i want to buy you a milk shake.

I want to buy you ME, cute boy.

If I were to post a MC, I would post one like this. But it would be like "to all the boys on the L train" or "all the cute boys at the Pool, I want your babiez," or "all the adorable guys on bikes I saw Wednesday AM when I was walking across the Williamsburg Bridge were driving me crazy!"

You know, or something.

Verdict: posts like this make me happy and make me believe in LUV!

To That One Chick

Today, an example of that rare variety of Missed Connection- the really cute guy who says more than "Hey hot blonde at Starbucks, what's your name?"

to that one chick whom I desperately want to make out with... - m4w

You are hot and pretty and hot... like a rainbow... or some really nice utensils.
When will you be mine?
That is not a rhetorical question. Please answer it. I feel like you are just like that Marvin Gaye song, when he says "I'm hot just like an oven..."

Only it's you who is hot just like an oven.

And it isn't an oven.

It is a gas range stove or a beautiful rainbow or the molten core of the earth.

I want to do hard drugs with you and make out like teenagers.

Then I want to satisfy you sexually for up to (but not beyond) 4 minutes, because that is all it will take because I am that awesome at pleasuring women in a sexual way, probably.

I hope you read my other posts that I wrote... they mentioned your being german, but I changed the headline because it occurs to me that you may not be german at all.

But you are as sexy as Jessica Rabbit.

Here's a list of sexy things I would do for you:

Bake you something
Build a moat around your house
Make you tacos
Go to a Tommy Lee concert and pretend like it didn't suck
Punch a cute puppy in the head
Buy bottled water
Donate money to charity
Find God
Find a missing person
Find you the best pizza in Brooklyn
Find Forrester
Build you a tennis court
Learn to fence
Make out with you like teenagers

Ha Ha... see what I did there? I named all this hard and crappy stuff, then I threw in the making out thing and... well you know...

It's like, reverse psychology or whatever.

Be mine and I will most certainly be yours.

Ok. First of all, he gets points for good grammar in his title.

Second, this is probably the cutest MC ever. It seems to be directed at someone specific (that the person knows in real life), which is adorable. If it's directed at someone from afar, my advice to that lady is to hop to it with this fella, because he is obviously awesome.

Third, this guy is my type, y'all. And not just because of the tacos and hard drugs. This is the perfect blend of funny, kinda sexy and kinda romantic.

Verdict: I really hope it works out for these two.