How to Do It Right

For starters, this guy has the best title EVAH.

People Suck, Let's Bone - 26

If I had to ballpark it, I'd say I'm one of the top 100 humans to ever exist, specifically in terms of empathy, charm, wit, looks and sex moves. I'm 26 and I'm tired of all the bullshit. I can't remember the last time I met someone that kept my interest. Never been a fan of the bar conversation even though I am good at it. I'd go to poetry readings and galleries to meet women, but those women aren't any fun. Thought I'd give this a shot.

You: Like funny movies, know the names of obscure 80s television actors, know the lyrics to at least one Steely Dan song, are creative, enjoy laughter, can cook, have nice feet, are totally hot, like to do lots of different stuff, love the idea of a boyfriend who is awesome, enjoy romance, do not in any way enjoy the phrase "bottle service", have a great family, swear occasionally (especially while watching football and having sex), can't remember the last horror movie you went to or understand why anyone goes to them, have never had an eating disorder, are already understanding of yet combatitive (is that a word?) towards my preternatural gift for procrastination, have never cheated on someone, believe that having an awesome family is the best goal of life, love cuddling and ice cream, are super smart, are willing to accept that I honestly believe Remix to Ignition is one of the greatest songs ever created, knew the Iraq war was destined to be a quagmire the day it began, aren't sure if I'm insane or awesome.

Me: Awesome.

Besides you and me and our closest friends, everyone else really sucks. Let's bone and make babies and teach them not to suck

I LOVE POSTS LIKE THIS. Except for the mention of being 26, I'd think it was another strike of the german-lover.

Seriously, why do these dudes not have cool girlfriends? Will someone please snap him up?

Verdict: I think I'm in love.

Not Really A MISSED Connection...

This is kind of bratty, but I also kind of liked it. I'm not trying to be bike-centric, I promise.

I hit you on my bike this morning.... - m4w - 34 (Midtown East)

Given the posting title, i guess this isn't really a "missed"
connection. We connected quite solidly.
You: Blue dress, mid-twenties,
gorgeous, blonde, black shoes, enormous purse, risk taker. I can tell you're a
risk taker because you cross against the light with ur ipod going full tilt.
Thats why you didn't hear me yelling for you to watch out.

Anyway, I
hope you're still alright. I think you're beautiful.
I'm alright, and more
importantly, my bike is ok.
Same time and place monday morning?

Verdict: Wouldn't that be an ol' meet-cute? Even if this dude has the very faint touch of the douche in him.

Seriously?

Ok...

Ric Seeks Amanda Bynes. - m4w (Downtown)

I know this is kinda odd, but im looking for my future wife. Her name is Amanda Bynes. Hopefully she can date me and realize that i'm the right one for her. I heard she lives in NY or LA. So i wrote this to find her, if anyone knows her real phone number or email let me know.

xoxo for Amanda Bynes.

laters Ric. [I know its a longshot, but i'll try anyway.]

There is so much wrong with this, I kind of love it.

Number first, the little business card he attached with his personal info. The fact that some dude from Texas is MC-ing a celebrity he thinks might live in New York. The fucking El Paso city seal. What? Seriously. WHAT???

Is this a joke? Is this a joke posted by someone who is not the illustrious and industrious Ric? Is this 4 reals? Amanda Bynes IS super cute and everything. But somehow...I doubt the effectiveness of this method.

Verdict: My mind is being blown right now, people. Laters!

You Jokesters!

Saw you on Bedford on Saturday - m4w - 32

On the corner of 7th and Bedford (at the subway)

You: mid-twenties, jet black hair, red lipstick, wearing red cons, jeans, in your third trimester. You had with you a five year old, a three year old, a two year old, a six month old and a pug (I think). You had a half-smoken cigarette behind your ear and were reading Marcel Proust.

Me: Early thirties, brown hair, a bit of stubble, wearing a dress shirt. No tie. No pants. I'm pretty good looking (some say movie star looks) I was begging for change and/or food. Did you see me? I was the one who visibly hadn't bathed for weeks. People were going out of their way to avoid coming near me?

Write me back. I'd love to take you out for thai food or body shots. I have an extensive 8-track collection, and love listening to them with friends while eating a candlelit dinner, and while naked.

In front of the cell phone store on Manhattan ave. - m4w - 25

You were handing out fliers in front of the cell phone store Sunday afternoon. I was walking by carrying my shopping in one hand and my lunch in the other. I wasn't able to take one of your fliers! Was it for cell phone accessories? I really wanted to take one, but my hands were full! I'm in desperate need of cell phone accessories (chargers, cases, etc) and everywhere I've gone is too over-priced! Do you have any deals on cell phone accessories? Help me! Please!

Verdict: Normally I don't like these like, jokey slash inside joke slash thinly-veiled social commentary MCs*, but these made me larf. Maybe it's the change in the weather or something.

* I may or may not be lying in the interest of saving face. Then again, what the fuck do I care, I'm the one blogging about them.

Scent of a Woman

I was actually planning a post about all the perfume-related MCs there have been lately, but I read this and decided it needed its own.

Missed connection with my date tonight - w4m (Downtown)

We've been seeing each other for a few months, and I thought you were into me. I know I'm into you; you're smart, we share interests, we quote Shakespeare at each other. It doesn't hurt that I think you're pretty hot, and you definitely smell amazing. And when our chemistry's on, it's on. I thought you were into me, too: I'm smart, I laugh at all your jokes and groan at all your puns, you tell me you like how I look, and I get all your allusions except for the '70s pop culture ones (unfortunately that's your favorite kind).

I know not everything's perfect -- you're not over "the love of your life" who left you years and years ago, what we have isn't going to turn into love, you think I put myself down too much, and our age difference makes you feel old sometimes. But for what it is, we have a great thing going: we have a ton in common, we get along well the majority of the time, we're becoming good friends, and the sex is hot.

The last time you stayed over was the first week of September, and frankly, that time sucked -- it was a weeknight, so we were both exhausted and irritable, and didn't have much time together at all. So near the end of this week, I called to see what was going on, and you said the weekend was hectic (of course; my life is too, which is why I agreed to being FWB as long as we're genuinely friends too). But you said Saturday night would probably work. Perfect, I said, since Saturday night was also best for me. We agreed you'd call me once you were sure what your plans were.

I know you're a spontaneous kind of guy, and that's great; I'm not really rigid in my planning either. But since we both have hectic schedules and we're only free at the same time once, it makes sense to arrange in advance that we'll see each other, even if we don't decide exactly what we're doing until later. For you, it's easy: you call me, then maybe an hour later you show up at my place all ready to enjoy a night of spanking, oral sex, and cuddling. But I'm a girl, and I go crazy when I only have an hour's warning. I get your call, and then before you get here, I have to clean my apartment, shower, shave everything below the neck, do my hair and makeup, use about five different kinds of lotion, put on semi-sexy clothes with full-out sexy underwear, get groceries, start making dinner for you, and be sure everything in my apartment is ready.

I'm learning to adapt, though. This time, since I knew you'd come over sometime Saturday evening, I did most of the work in advance. On Friday, besides my normal life, I planned a meal, found and got a DVD I know you'll like, got groceries, and did all the shaving and so forth I could do in advance. This Saturday, I went out and did normal Saturday-morning and -afternoon stuff, but when I got back, I scrubbed the place from floor to ceiling, then showered. When I got out, I did my hair and makeup, chose my outfit, put the underwear on, did what dinner prep I could, then sat around in my bathrobe waiting for you to call and say what time you'd come by.

I expected to get your call around 5 PM -- that's when you usually let me know if you're on your way. I waited until just before 7 to call your cell . . . and got voicemail. I left a breezy message, asking you to let me know what time you're coming, or if something came up and you're not free, let me know so I can do something else. A little while after 8, I called your cell again, and made it to voicemail again. I laughed and kept it light, saying I was trying to work out what I was doing tonight, and I was wondering if you were an option, but if something had come up I'd talk to you later, whatever.

It's now just about 1 AM, and there's no way you're coming tonight. It sucks -- everything, including me, is here and ready for you. All my prep might not be a big deal if I could just postpone it a day or two, but now that we've missed this Saturday, our free nights won't overlap until next Saturday. It sucks that you didn't even call to say you weren't coming; like a fool, I just sat around and waited for you.

It's 1 AM. I have to take off my makeup, and all this uncomfortable underwear you like to see me in. I feel like such a lonely loser.

This made me really sad. I'm glad this girl called herself on it. But hasn't everyone been made a lonely loser of? Hasn't everyone been felt a waste of freshly-shaved skin and pretty underwear? And more to the point, what's the point of a Friend with Benefits if there are no benefits?

Here is someone who has no delusions or romantic deceptions about the relationship she's quasi in, and she still gets let down.

Verdict: MC-cum-lament: Have a poignant summer!

The Creeps Come Out at Night

Ew!

Really Cute Intern - m4w (Financial District)

I catch you staring when I walk by. You're so adorable, but so young.
Damn.

Verdict: Creepy.

saturday night...weird situation/attraction - m4w - 30

This is entirely inappropriate but I think we were both attracted to each other...I know I was. If you write back, give me some detail so I know it's you...Or you can just come by for that shower I mentioned ;)

Verdict: Creepy. But kind of hot.

Dolphins on Klonopins

Something about this reminds me of my darling Tender Gittles. It involves dreams, pills and puppies. That's like basically her MO.

We loved each other like DOLPHINS on klonopins - m4w - 25

I had this weird dream about you where you had the head of a snake and you were wearing a shirt made out of live geese... and then my teeth started falling out like that scene in The Fly part II...

Remember that scene?

We watched it together... probably...

Maybe it was The English Patient...

Either way...

Then we were in the ocean, only the ocean was made from cute puppies in these little cardigan sweaters... and we were sailing on a boat made of love... I mean... in the dream like, when I stepped out into the third person, in the dream, the boat was made of wood... but in the context of the dream... it was all love baby... and I don't just mean love... I mean like, love, but when I say it, it sounds like it sis spelled with like, twelve 'o's

I don't actually know what that all means though I can only assume it was some sort of grand metaphor for my desperate need to get it on with you in a big way...

Where are you?

I miss you. I want to hold you tight baby.

You can't start a fire...

You can't start a fire without a spark

This guns for hire

Even if we're just dancing in the dark

Well yeah, this gun, as in me, as in my huge muscles, are definitely for hire.

Verdict: This seems to be directed towards someone, which if pulled off correctly is quite endearing. I have no idea what it means, but it seems romantic to me!

As a side note, the pic I used is actually a WEDDING CAKE TOPPER. How flipping awesome/tacky is that!?

EDIT- Miss Gittles asked me if the same guy posted this as posted the MC about the German girl. SO ASTUTE, they definitely have the same feel. We are trying to befriend him because he rules.